Well it's officially official now, right? Because I posted it to social media, that's the rule nowadays I hear.
Even though it may be social media, family, friends and doctor official I still cannot believe that baby number three is on its way. It still does not feel real. Its really quite a surreal feeling. Is this happening again, am I ready for another new born? I am only 4 week away from being half way so I better be ready.
At each doctor appointments I ache to hear that heartbeat and when it takes them a minute to find it my heart sinks...everytime. Maybe its from past experiences, both my own and family that make my stomach instanly fall into a pit of anxiety that only comes out as soon as those fast pitter patters are echoing through the room. Even with that fear, and anxiety I feel I still don't know if that "connection" has developed yet....although in a strange way I know it's just deeper, something beyond my understanding otherwise I wouldn't feel those few seconds of grief during those moments of the heartbeat hunt. I know as soon as see the next ultrasound and I feel those feets little jabs to my ribs, pelvic bone and the oh so dreaded bladder...and let me tell ya it's really dreaded now with baby number three; that deeper connection of 'I know you but I don't really know you' the one I don't quite understand yet will instantly arise from the fear, doubt and my wonder "will everyhing be okay?" will start to slowly fade and human connection can begin to develop.
I am currently 16 weeks! And WOW that seems so crazy to say. I can honestly say I sadly haven't documented a single thing. My goal is to get a 16 week picture before Sunday, when I turn 17 weeks. I was had high hopes of documenting every little detail since this most likely be my very last baby. The things that have stuck out to me most don't come from me but from my Cooper Wayne. Cooper is so excited for this baby which makes even more excited. He is in love with everything baby right now. He has was even helping me over Christmas break sorting out clothes to donate/sell and whenever a little tiny outfit would fall in his lap he would go "awwweee mama" and hold it up and smile. He's really been loving on my belly. WhenI didn't even have a belly or lets be honest its 'bloat' right now, haha, he would come and rub it and ask "You got a baby in there?" Now that I am more bellied (bloated) there hasn't been a day where he hasn't asked to see my belly. Each day he startst to giggle and say "Mama your belly getting big" then giggle with some added belly loves. He's been really intrigued with my butt too haha really. He really thinks I am going to poop the baby out and doesn't quite understand how its going to fit....oh if only he really knew the terror haha, jk it really is a beautiful thing. At first he thought the baby was going to be a girl and wanted to name her Penelope, which i actually would have contemplated because I think Penny would be a cute nickname; but now it's a boy and hes going to name it Trek...thanks 'Dino Dan.'
Most of my family thinks this baby is going to be a girl, there are only a handful who think it will be a boy. I want a healthy baby. Period. But if I knew health wasn't a worry I would probably say I want another boy..eek! I feel a little awful for saying that probably becasue I have already been calling him/her 'baby girl'. It just feels different this time around. I don't want anyone to think I don't want a girl, I do. I really do just come see my closet of baby girl clothes that I have collected over the years. It is just very unknown territory for me to raise a girl. If anything I wouldn't be sad or disappointed if I had a girl I would just simply be scared. There's nothing like conquering our fears right?